June 7, 2011

An Existential Reevaluation. (I need this like a hole in the head.)

So, if I were playing Follow the Leader, there would be a bit of a problem.

Who (what, actually) is the leader?  What do I follow?  Cause I can't seem to make up my own mind these days.

The shift that occurred to my perspective in life when I became a mom could have rocked our planet's tectonic plates.  It does this to many women, so if you're one of them, how do you, pray tell, figure out what the hell you're supposed to do with your life?

What should be laid on the table are these three things:  One- I know I should work.  Financially, I really have no choice.  And I can't watch my husband bust his ass just because his thoroughly capable, functional, highly educated and relatively intelligent wife can't seem to drag her ass to work.  But every day it feels like I got sucker punched when I'm not with the baby and I vehemently refuse to wish my life away by staring at the clock for the entirety of my child's life.  Two- We have school loans that create a vacuum in the income department.  They need to be paid and that's not possible when I'm home with The Girl.  And, three- if I'm at work, I'm unenthused and barely there because my mind is always with Vienna.  If I'm home, I'm happy but feel guilty about not working to help my husband pay the bills.  Dolla dolla bills yo.

Hence, my quandary.  What do I do?  Choosing the lesser of two evils is still not good enough- I'm either guilty about not raising my own child or guilty that I'm putting us in the poor house on one income.  Talk about born and raised Catholic.  The religion of guilt.  No amount of Hail Mary's will help me out of this one.

I need to be creative here and figure out a way to make money doing something I love enough so that I won't want to call in sick every other day to stay home and nuzzle my four and a half month old.  The job I want is seemingly unavailable to me (this statement goes against my determination to visualize the positive, but things are what they are), so I need to come up with a plan B.  [I actually just interviewed for a job that might just be my solution- fingers crossed.]

Either that, or I just need a prescription for Adderall and I'll be able to focus on any job I do.

Never mind that.  The economy blows and desirable jobs are a commodity at best.  Maybe Obama D. Nozzle should do something about the cost of school loans.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but we are the generation that's supposed to perpetuate the housing market and none of us will be able to do that with a hundred thousand dollars in school loans.  The amount of which will multiply exponentially with interest by the time we can pay them off.  Buy a house?  How about groceries?  I digress.

I come full circle when I admit I know the answer to this problem.  I must work.  But I want to be happy and I've never been happier than being a mother.  I've never felt such self efficacy, purpose or emotional stability (if you can believe it) than I do now.

So, school systems: Hire me as a guidance counselor.  Or, fabulous company I'm not yet aware of: present me with a job that I can do from home.  Or, lottery: show up on my doorstep.  Something.  PLEASE.  Something happen.

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