July 17, 2011

Please hold: system processing.

When people say to you that once you have a baby- everything changes- believe it.  Don't be surprised when it happens, because often that "surprise" begets a bit of hurt feelings, maybe some nostalgia, and your heart protecting itself tells you to just move on.

I don't know if all of that is necessarily truth in terms of 'this is definitely objectively what is going on.'  But it sure as shit feels this way and I'm undergoing a bit of a spell where this surprise makes me feel slightly abandoned.  I'm in it right now.  Trying to figure all this out.  Processing it.

The life changes that you expect are, you know, by definition changes and you're not immediately used to the demands of no sleep, constant feeding, living to serve and sustain another human life... but they're ok.  And come with the territory of having a baby.

The change I didn't expect was the progressively encroaching cracks in the foundation of a few of my friendships.  Reasons being that their lives are no longer where mine is, or that simply I got here first before they inevitably get here one way or another...  To be fair, I can't expect these people who aren't married with babies to fully fathom how the tables of my life have flipped nor can I expect them to transpose their lives to match mine just when we're at the at the same party.

But when I was pregnant I had these happy, rosy visualizations of my friends loving on my nugget, passing her around and laughing with my husband and I about her cuteness.  But it's just not like that.  I couldn't for the life of me tell you why.  I wanted so badly to share with some of my best friends this new little life I'm working so hard at raising well.  I'm going through so many changes as a person (and yes, I'm still me) that I need my friends to keep me sane as I go through it.  But I feel like some are no longer there.

In spirit, these friends will always be friends.  But in real time, real life... now?  I'm not sure.  Which feels like a punch in the gut.

I had a little runny mascara today.  It promised not to run.  But I guess lots of things do, sometimes, when they're not supposed to.

1 comment:

  1. What I've come to realize in my life, when u have a life changing experience, u have visions and set expectations for how u hope things will be and when ur friends and family don't necessarily meet the expectations u have envisioned, u feel abandoned...its hard not to...but they haven't really done anything wrong...they r still the same person...they don't change just because we do...some do, which is great and some don't, but that's ok, cuz they r still the same person u loved before...and remember it might be just as hard for that same person to watch u change, as it is for u to watch them not...Good old david has to give me reminders every once in a while too that the world doesn't hate me and that I'm not alone...
    I'm not quite sure if anything I said made any sense or helped in anyway cuz I'm up way past my bedtime! But I love u sweetie and I'm always here! Xoxo


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