September 7, 2011

Just a few pearls... and buts.

Hello world.  A few points of contention as of late that I'd like to simply put out there and allow for universal consciousness to do its thing.

1) I think it's quite lovely when strangers feel compelled to interact with my daughter on the fly.  It's sweet and Vienna adores the interaction.  Vienna is a pretty engaging little girl and with her darling moonstone blue eyes, how could you not?  But please refrain from grabbing her fingers or toys.  No offense, but I literally have no idea where your hands have been and as I stand there while you two converse, I'm in my own personal hell thinking of all the godforsaken types of germs you've just patty-caked onto my little girl.  I love when people find enjoyment in Pish, but it would be so much more enjoyable for me if I didn't have to remove Sophie from Vienna's grasp because a patron in the All The Ingredients aisle at Stop & Shop had to taint her toy.

2) Man-cations: as fabulously important to guys as our spa weekends are to us (and by spa I mean fabulously decorating ourselves to go schmooze and drink for free at the Miami Delano).  I enjoy being whisked away to Wonderland with my girlfriends for a kind of weekend that would make our college memories envious, and I also enjoy knowing that Nico gets his annual decompression by pissing away his virgin eyes and holiness in Las Vegas.  By all means- we are in our twenties still and need to wring whatever juice we can out of our lives.  But when it's time for my husband to come home could the hurricanes, and every other natural disaster for that matter, hit Antarctica for a minute so he can safely fly home?  Hey Irene, you were a dud of a storm whose only legacy left behind was a trail of passive aggressive electrical outages, cancelled flights, tepid fridges and none of us appreciated it.  Bob was way cooler.  

3)  Gerber, I for one am thoroughly impressed with the power your baby food prunes clearly have over infant digestion, but maybe you should team up with Huggies.  If you're going to make my kid crap four times in one day, I should get a discount.  This is madness.  I'd like BOGO on boxes of wipes as well.

4)  Employers- cheers to you for still considering yourselves "progressive" for allowing women to go on maternity leave.  And kudos to you for even being "flexible" enough to not fire us when we need to leave early once and a while for our kids doctor appointments or what-have-you.  But, if we are 8 minutes late due to an unexpected poopy diaper (prunes) or an unforeseen baby related spit up explosion- it's "totally cool" if you treat us like we're negligent employees without regard for our positions.  Totally cool.

5)  Crappy drivers, you are the bane of my existence and if you cause an accident with my daughter in the car, I'm going to whip you with my dipstick and own you with a swift verbal lashing that will most definitely leave a mark.  No buts about it.

That's about it for now.  These were just a few things that have been really chapping my ass in the past year or so and I figured that the world should know.  Those of you who agree with me should rejoice in knowing that my "viral" blog will inevitably spread the word to our offenders.
The Accused should consider this their verbal warning.

Mama OUT.

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