I've come to the conclusion that I need to work on my sense of grace.
I need to filter back into my perspective what is good. Like... now. Never being content is not what it means to be motivated and proactive. Being OK with the conditions of my personal and professional life is not giving up. I've had it bass ackwards for a long time and what is the point of knowing this and doing nothing about it?
Always wanting more and always needing something else has made it possible for me to accomplish all that I have in the short time that I've been at it. At 28, I am ready and waiting and hungry and open. I am married to a great man with a daughter that is a little slice of cupcake heaven. We live in a nice, cozy, pretty home that we own, but more importantly, that is ours. I have a masters and am going back to school again. I have friends that are hilarious and loyal and whom I adore. Things are good.
But I'm never satisfied. If it's not one thing with me, it's another. If I just had this job, if we just lived closer... Blah, blah, blah. It's this crap that I focus on during the day and I'm just done with it. I'm fighting the current so often that I'm exhausted. It's just not worth it. I don't want to be on my deathbed regretting all of the wasted energy being negative when there are so very many phenomenal things around me.
It's not that I'm corralling a new found optimism. I shall remain to be the consummate cynic because it makes me laugh at myself. It's the salty, chippy 'tude that is a bit over the cynicism line and toeing into the bitter that's gotta go. My life is a series of similar woes because I'm not learning the lessons I'm supposed to learn. I never take a minute to smell the same dog crap I stepped in last time around.
I'm channeling Bill Murry in Groundhog day.
It is what it is but now I need to take responsibility for my epiphany and do something about it.
I'll allow my cynical, dry humor and what have you. But I will be free instead of self contained. I will try to stop being such a control freak about the outcome of everything that happens. I will allow myself the grace to fall down, to sit down, to run, and to take a leisurely stroll. I will relish the sites and scenes of this life and be happy I'm the one that gets to live it. I will give myself the space to find my self.
This is a healthier way to be. I have a lil' nugget girl that is going to one day turn into her mother. I have an obligation to her and to the world to be awesome. Which shouldn't require too much effort.