December 30, 2011

Don't hate the game.

I wrote this post during the holiday season of 2011. Not sure why it was never posted but what the hell. Here it is ...

The holiday season is awesome and glittery and fruitful.  But it's busy and that's the other side of this time of year that makes me sort of happy we're nearing the end.

I've been pretty consumed with school break, Christmas shopping, wrapping, decorating, baking, preparing, and dinner planning that I have had this entry in my head for over a week now and I haven't had the space or time to consider it enough to write anything.

At this point I'm fairly convinced that it's still too soon; that I haven't had enough time to think creatively about it but the moment opened itself up and here I sit.  I haven't even fully dressed myself but I'm too committed at this point to get up and so I shall remain in my pants and bra.

TMI?  That's what you get sometimes.

Anyways, I was catching up with a friend recently.  We're close regardless of how much time passes but it's been a while and we had some major life-decision chats to toss back and forth.  At one point she paused from revealing her reasoning behind a tough, cross continental choice she's just made and said 'I just didn't picture myself here at this point in my life.'

I feel ya.

I know what it's like to have made preemptive, seemingly wise choices in order to avoid coming to this realization and it kinda blows for it to not have worked out that way.  We make life-path altering decisions in our early twenties- like a masters, for example- before we even know what we want, what's important to us, who we actually are.

I thank my lucky stars that I'm not the same person I was at 21.  But I'm still walking a path I set at that time and I think it's simple cause and effect that I'm now changing that direction. What I want changed since then, what's important is no longer as important and I'm not the same person.

So my friend, we were not equipped to see ourselves where we are now.  When you think of it that way then it's ok.  If anything, it's a naive presumption that we should be able to know those things so far in advance.  I also, in this mood, at this time, feel that that is the beauty of life.  It used to frustrate me to the core that I couldn't know and control everything- but who the hell am I to have that type of power?  I'm nuts half the time- running around like a maniac trying to make it all work seemlessly and it's futile and stupid.

Who knew you'd be in the position you're in right now?  But who knew I'd be here either?  Who knew I'd be going back to school for design when I completed my masters with a perfect GPA only two and a half years ago?  I enjoyed the education but all I got from that was a shit load of school loans and a pay cut.  Contrarily, who knew I'd be married to a great person with a daughter I can barely stop myself from biting cause she's so cute?  We have to let the fact that we're not where we pictured as a good thing.  As long as we keep on making authentic and well considered choices for ourselves, we're doing all we can.

In the wake of the New Year, we have to cut the crap and stop giving ourselves such a hard time.  We're fat cause of the holidays- not because we're bad people.  We'll lose the water weight and cut the sweets.  We're broke cause we bought people things- we'll cut back and regain our flow.  We're not where we pictured we would be but that just means we can make now anything we want it to be.

Let the start of 2012 mark a time where you let life be a current and not an uphill battle.  Be psyched that we're young and healthy and have a life to look forward to.  Let's be relieved that we're good people and not assholes.  And let's never become those people whose only choice is to be an asshole cause they feel like victims of the hand they were dealt.  And least we get to play the game.

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