January 10, 2012

Judge THIS, buddy.

Nico and I just stumbled upon Toddlers & Tiaras on TV.

It's sick.  It's gross because these girls are on average three years old (36 months if you're one of those parents who refuse to measure your kids age in years) and they look like they're 25 (300 months).

It's so gross because one mom literally fed her three year old soda and half a bag of Pixie Stix to pep her up because she, and I quote, "needed energy."  You terribly unfit mother,  that's baby-crack not energy!  Your child needs a nap, not simple carbohydrates that will shock her system and set her up for a terrible crash later.  I hope she crashes on stage, rips off her sequined cowgirl hat, flails about in a temper tantrum, flips the judges the bird and that you're banned from the pageant circuit for life.

Fittingly, the appearance of most of the parents on Toddlers & Tiaras is a disgrace; they're unkempt in oversized T-shirts with bad hair cuts and no makeup to speak of.  Maybe they should borrow some tinted moisturizer and mascara from their toddler.  She probably has some lip gloss too, you sicko.

The field of guidance counseling thrives off of anxiety ridden kids whose parents use them as minions to live the lives they wish lived.  Making your kid prance around in a bustier and false lashes at three just because you let yourself go and your parents never paid attention to you is disgusting.  Making your kid feel like a failure because they'll never matriculate to a top tier school due to a B minus average is pathetic and the same thing.

Those kids will never be kids.  Pageant toddlers learn what I hope Vienna doesn't learn till she's, well... till never; what it feels like to be judged merely on waist size and posture.  Likewise, students forced to be the students their 'helicopter' parents wished they were can never discover their own unique intellectual strengths.  They're consumed about how they're going to be judged.

This is why some people grow up to be uptight douche nozzles who snap on the road and kill someone in the middle of a four stop intersection.  This is why some girls feel like the only way to gain respect is by a lack of self respect.  Just skip the next meal and push out your ass a bit, they'll eventually like you.

Living vicariously through your kids is one thing.  When Vienna laughs and plays, I'm laughing and playing and when she's sad, I feel sad for her.  But turning her into the me I wish I was knowing what I know now would be unfair and unhealthy for her.  Toddlers & Tiaras.  More like Has-Been Parents and Trucker Hats.

Where's the class?


  1. Truckers have 'class A and B' licenses. But you on the other hand are extremely intelligent and don't need one. However, on the subject at hand I would have to concur with what you are trying to say here. These pageants also feed pedophiles along with other classes of malcontents.

  2. Haha. So even truckers have a class system. That's shocking!

  3. Very well said :) thank you for sharing this... People need to realize how sick this show is. It should be illegal for what these parents do to these little girls... Kids need to be kids for crying out loud!!!
    Btw love your blogs :)


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