I don't even have to reread it to know this because fact is, I don't want to. I wrote it last week, saved it for later editing and kept putting it off until today when I knew that I needed to somehow tackle what's been on my mind.
The thing is that it's been brought to my attention lately that where some people thought they'd be is not at all where they are. Last week I came to the conclusion that it's because we aren't sufficiently equipped when we're young to make appropriate goals and life decisions that will sustain our happiness as we evolve as individuals.
I still believe that this is true. But there's more to it than that and I didn't see it as clearly then as I do now.
Backtrack to two weeks ago when I caught up with my friend over the phone about her seemingly abrupt cross-continental decision. I love her and it's a sound decision, but at one point I could almost see her shaking her head and shrugging her shoulders as she said "I just didn't think I'd be here now." I intermittently sigh that thought out of my system and have felt the pit that's in her stomach. I know what it's like to have made preemptive, seemingly wise choices in order to avoid coming to this realization and it blows for it to not have worked out so swimmingly.
But it's a set up. If we think that we're ever going to be what our day dreams look like then we are always going to fail. Don't get me wrong, if anyone wants something enough it is well within reach. But even if we all managed to obtain and accomplish every one of our goals, we would still find ourselves every so often searching the dark bedroom ceiling for what it is we really need to just... be... satisfied.
It is ingrained in the cognitive structure of every typical human being to make sure that where we are is the best place to be. And if it is not, then we unabashedly march ourselves right up to the fine line between lying down to play dead and making moves to make it better. If we understood this perpetual trait in our formative years then we would be exactly where we thought we'd be. Makin' moves.
For example, I got my masters for reasons that made sense at the time. I was uninspired by my surroundings. I was going through a hell of a time socially. And I was at a professional standstill that I felt could only be redirected by a swift and expensive stroke of my intellectual ego.
We all know how well that worked out.
What's a masters and an impeccable transcript with no career of any substance to show for it? To be honest, I gave up the job search when I found out I was pregnant. I knew that even though I do have a heart for counseling and know that I'd do an authentic and invested job of caring about those kids, I refused to work full time and be away from my kid that much. And it's also a highly coveted position in education. So where did I find myself? I found myself staring off into space thinking that I just couldn't believe that this is where I was after all I had done to avoid it. But I never just lie down and play dead. I make things happen. I can make it rain.
No, it wasn't in my plan to have to make a "career change" without technically having a "career." I wasn't where I thought I'd be, but that's because I thought I was supposed to know. It's useless and futile to bitch about the hands we're dealt. And I never want any of us become those people whose only real choice made is to be assholes cause we feel like victims of circumstance. I'm going to try something new. My friend's moving three thousand miles away. What the what?
I feel a song coming on:
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right.
You've got your passion, you've got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?
Pish is my adorable daily reminder that we can never see life coming which is why I named her after this song. And my latent brilliance is a daily reminder that I'll continually have to make moves to chart titillating and edifying paths for myself. Life is like a weather report that we all know is an educated guess. It may say sun, but it's always a possibility that it'll rain cold hard facts up in here.