April 23, 2012

hat hoarding is for fash-holes.

Mental hot flashes. Holler at your girl if you've fallen victim to such incidences. If not, allow me to explain.

It's messy, you might need a poncho.

It goes a little something like this. You have a veritable hat closet filled with fascinators that must somehow be worn one to eighty times each day. These "hats" tend to require the layered look whereupon a collection must be donned simultaneously. Being the hot mama, or any fashionable individual, it becomes a balancing act. How does one manage all of these heavy things whilst also paving the catwalk?

One may find themselves in the midst of a "diva moment," a tizzy, if you will.

Wait for it... Aaaand the moment of clarity. Regardless of who you are, when the obligations and demands of life compile and the walls of the "hat closet" start to close in, a mental hot flash ensues. You might see this manifest in a number of different ways, but as a "hypothetical" example, someone suffering from hat hoarding may react to a guest in their home using their kitchen at an inopportune time as if it were a misstep of cataclysmic proportions. For example. Strictly hypothetical, of course.

One such pitiful victim of the hat hoarding disorder may feel so subconsciously overwhelmed with all of the hats she must wear that the idea of just one more, i.e. adding to her chef's hat/french maid's doily-thing, may just send this unfortunate soul into a tailspin. It's very sad.

This, naturally, adds one more hat to the pile. The dunce hat in the wake of shame. No one likes to wear the dunce hat. Who needs a cone shaped article attached to the top of their head taking all the attention away from the artfully and fashionably placed headpieces?  All of the other hats tend to fade in comparison to the neon prism flashing the word "crazy lady" on top of them all.  Preexisting hats may as well be left in the closet- they no longer seem as iconic.

Mental hot flashes are a real epidemic.  Some are more prone to them than others, but they must not go ignored.  These hot headed tizzies are symptomatic of the larger hat hoarding problem, and anyone who tries to encompass and represent multiple fashion houses at once will most definitely earn the title of 'Fash-hole' sooner rather than later and slash their street cred.

So what is to be done about this?  The hot mama slays the catwalk with swagger and style.  Multiple hats are nothing compared to the 5 inch platforms that she can jog in.  The hot mama doesn't buckle under pressure, she welcomes it.  And yet, here she sits in the wake of shame, trying to figure out what went wrong.   When did she lose count of all her hats?  When did she become a candidate for the A&E reality show?

With all these hats, it's starting to look like the Royal Wedding up in here.

To those affected by the hoarding, the hot mama promises to work on it.  Gonna donate some, gonna sell some at a yard sale, and will happily discard whatever is unnecessary.  The only hats left will compliment one another and will make sense seasonally.  A fash-hole the hot mama is not.

Or at least won't be as soon as this friggin' dunce hat disappears.

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This post is dedicated to those directly and indirectly affected by this disorder.  
You know who you are.

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