I was laid off at one point in my life, and for a few months I went to school nights but had nothing to do all day. I went ape shit. Bounced off the walls with cabin fever, frequent "fifth-life" crises about my purpose in life and why I was home watching the View instead of accomplishing something productive.
But, my Girl. Being home with my girl was honestly the happiest time of my life. I am a proverbial 'metal' detector for finding things to be irritated about. I admit. But when I was home with my girl, I was unaware of life's little nudgy milieu. I was too distracted by her loveliness. She'd hold something for the first time! I saw that. We communicated with eyes and eskimo kisses and goofy noises. I was full of good.
Maternity leave is when you have to go back to work and leave your child with another. When you are doing something that is NOT what is, apparently, your calling in life. (My God, I was meant to be a mother. That's a heavy realization coming from someone who has always based my self worth on my educational accomplishments.) I'm fortunate, as is Vienna, that my mom and sister take care of her four days a week, as well as my mother in law one day a week. She is loved and cared for by those closest to her, next to her mama and dada. I'm thankful.
But, really. I want it to be ME taking care of her. I'm jealous that they get to spend the mornings with my Girl. That's when she's happiest. When she kicks the most and gasps at the world around her the loudest. I carry a heavy heart when I'm at work, and have had to leave to cry in the car for a minute to dislodge the lump in my throat.
How depressing! I'm wicked sorry. But this is brutal. I've never been more enamored in my life and I want to soak my infant daughter up like a sponge so that she's with me always. I've waited a few days to write about my return to work because I couldn't think about it without welling up with tears.
Alas, I still need a kleenex. I miss my girl.