May 4, 2011

Maternity Stay

Maternity leave?  Ummm, no thank you.  I prefer maternity stay.  That is the time I get to spend with my daughter.  The twenty four hours a day, seven days a week time I get (got) to spend learning about who she is, watching her figure out little minute pieces of the world.  Her hand is something awesome to her and just wait until she figures out she has two of them.  I've never been happier being a bystander in someone else's constantly evolving and blossoming life.

I was laid off at one point in my life, and for a few months I went to school nights but had nothing to do all day.  I went ape shit.  Bounced off the walls with cabin fever, frequent "fifth-life" crises about my purpose in life and why I was home watching the View instead of accomplishing something productive.

But, my Girl.  Being home with my girl was honestly the happiest time of my life.  I am a proverbial 'metal' detector for finding things to be irritated about.  I admit.  But when I was home with my girl, I was unaware of life's little nudgy milieu.  I was too distracted by her loveliness.  She'd hold something for the first time!  I saw that.   We communicated with eyes and eskimo kisses and goofy noises.  I was full of good.

Maternity leave is when you have to go back to work and leave your child with another.  When you are doing something that is NOT what is, apparently, your calling in life.  (My God, I was meant to be a mother.  That's a heavy realization coming from someone who has always based my self worth on my educational accomplishments.)  I'm fortunate, as is Vienna, that my mom and sister take care of her four days a week, as well as my mother in law one day a week.  She is loved and cared for by those closest to her, next to her mama and dada.  I'm thankful.

But, really.  I want it to be ME taking care of her.  I'm jealous that they get to spend the mornings with my Girl.  That's when she's happiest.  When she kicks the most and gasps at the world around her the loudest.  I carry a heavy heart when I'm at work, and have had to leave to cry in the car for a minute to dislodge the lump in my throat.  

How depressing!  I'm wicked sorry.  But this is brutal.  I've never been more enamored in my life and I want to soak my infant daughter up like a sponge so that she's with me always.  I've waited a few days to write about my return to work because I couldn't think about it without welling up with tears.  

Alas, I still need a kleenex.  I miss my girl.

4 comments:

  1. Awwww- I am sorry mama!!! NOTHING that your sister, mother and mother in law will come close to YOU as her mother. They can try all they want, but the second YOU come through the door, she will be reaching for you, smiling for you and nuzzing into your shoulder. I think going back to work is something EVERY mother is dreading, fearing and an emotional wreck for at LEAST the first 3 weeks...so you're not alone. Cry and go to work with blood shot eyes and know that everyone understands who has kids. Keep your head up, it gets easier and tell Nico to do something on the side to let you stay home with your love. ;) xo

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  2. P.S. This is Ashley March, I don't know why my husbands name is there...

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  3. It ain't easy! I hate that the bulk of my focus/attention/energy gets sucked up by the commute and workday and that she gets what's left of me for an hour or so at the end of the day before she drifts off to sleep. The guilt crushes me sometimes. I too am lucky for sisters and my Mom that take care of her during the day. For that part, I am soooo SO grateful. But I am constantly questioning my purpose as a working mother. I know I am a mother and I know I need to work, and I hope everyday that I am doing those two things the best I can for her. I'm sure you are too:)

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  4. I feel for both of you Nicole and Jenny. I too left for work every day with that "Damn" ....Wish I could stay home"...Not that staying home was easier, but being with my little sweetie pies was so rewarding.
    But, how sweet a gift for me, and Donna, and Tara and Kerry, to be able to help out, and take care of these little angels for you. I can now do what I wanted to do with my girls. Sure, it's not a breeze, but it's sweet to see their smiles and personalities grow, knowing they can count on us too. They have someone else to love and care for them, someone who may bend the rules a bit (not me of course) but it is good medicine for all of us. And the best of all is I was able to go to work knowing that my little one(S) was being cared for and loved 100%....there was no doubts to worry about.
    I know this doesn't help mend that void once you leave for work, but you can believe that the only face your child is going to see while you're away is a loving, caring, and happy smile!
    Love you two sweetie pies!

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